This is the full collection of Daily Facts about my grandmother.
Day 1: She was born September 18th, 1912.
Day 2: She used to be beautiful on the outside.
Day 3: She survived 2 husbands.
Day 4: She has been dying since 1985.
Day 5: She enjoys gardening.
Day 5: She has a chihuahua.
Day 6: She gets around on a mobility scooter.
Day 6: She has an obsession with repair men.
Day 7: She has “arthritis”.
Day 8: She eats mostly butter.
Day 9: She has bad dreams.
Day 10: She thinks that she excels at espionage.
Day 11: She doesn’t understand how time affects people.
Day 12: She is an artist.
Day 13: She wears too much makeup.
Day 13: In spite of going bald, she bleaches her hair.
Day 14: As is common with elderly folk, she doesn’t keep up with the times.
Day 15: She still isn’t dead, and her favorite color is yellow.
Day 16: She has no empathy for humans.
Day 17: She uses the microwave to store meat foam.
Day 18: She has disgusting eating habits.
Day 19: She doesn’t bother getting dressed anymore.
Day 20: She designed her home.
Day 21: She has awful taste in clothing.
Day 22: She ruins holidays.
Day 23: She loves mirrors.
Day 24: She doesn’t have any serious medical problems.
Day 25: She is a miser.
Day 26: She is boring.
Day 27: She might be narcoleptic.
Day 28: She owes my mother money to this day.
Day 29: She has enemies.
Day 30: She will be damned if other people get to watch grass grow.
Day 31: She has no aesthetic sense.
Day 32: She is shit at coming up with names.
Day 33: She is more evil than two of the greatest evils combined; The dark side of the force and the one ring of power.
Day 34:She is straight-edge.
Day 35: She is paranoid.
Day 36: She causes trouble with the telephone.
Day 37: She is manipulative.
Day 38: She sees what she wants to see.
Day 39: She loves to call the police.
Day 40: She is an underwear thief.
Day 41: She uses pressure cookers.
Day 42: She used to control Papa Justin with a whistle.
Day 43: She was an unhappy baby.
Day 44: She is kind of a slut.
Day 45: She forges documents.
Day 46: She participated in human trafficking.
Day 47: She regularly paints the floor.
Day 48: She allowed for many precious things to be stolen.
Day 49: She is racially insensitive.
Day 50: MOO GOO GAI PAN IS CHINESE GRANDMA AND IT MEANS BUTTON MUSHROOMS WITH CHICKEN SLICES
Day 51: She is the stuff of nightmares.
Day 52: She is calculating.
Day 53: She is barren.
Day 54: She doesn’t understand how to clean kitchen appliances.
Day 55: She makes a lot of stupid decisions for aesthetic reasons.
Day 61: Neither heaven nor hell wants her.
Day 62: She ought to be donated to science, but it would be to our horror were she ever resurrected via technology.
Day 63: She never uses anything the way that it is meant to be used.
Day 64: She is never contented.
Day 65: She cares more about my money than she does about me.
Day 66: She strikes fear into all of our hearts.
Day 67: She wears makeup like she’s auditioning for a Broadway run of CATS.
Day 68: My grandmother is not about moving.
Day 69: We sometimes muse that she is not human.
Day 70: She refuses to take care of anyone else.
Day 71: She is painfully aware of her surroundings.
Day 72: She is so cheap.
Day 73: Anyone with an ounce of decency in them does not want to be near her.
Day 76: She believes that New Jersey is lovely.
Day 77: Her body is… like a lump of… something.
Day 78: She ruins food just by eating it.